After 16 years, I can say without a doubt that injecting anything other than saline is a terrible idea.

[msmSaline]

Hello everyone.

My name is Shae and I used to post here all the time. I spent 11 years practicing saline inflation and I wrote the PDF guide that many of you found around the internet.

Three years ago I moved from injecting saline to silicone.
I went to Tijuana twice for this, and injected twice on my own. The total amount of silicone I had in my scrotum was 400 cc. Over time that grew bigger than a grapefruit. If you are familiar with Andrew Christian underwear, I was forced to buy their Trophy Boy line, which is made for extremely endowed men. But I stretched out all of mine from my balls alone.

I have watched three people I know suffer, and two of them die from misuse of silicone. I know two others who died from complications down the line.

A year and a half ago I had my silicone surgically removed, but they could only get 95% of it. Even then, with the swelling and scar tissue and additional hydrocells that form after the surgery, I was still about the size of a softball. The 5% that they could not get was stuck in between the skin of my scrotum and they assume it was where I pulled the needles out.

Fast forward.

2 days ago on the 20th I got an orchiectomy and a scrotectomy. An orchiectomy is where they remove your testicles, and a scrotectomy is where they remove the entire scrotum. I'm recovering right now and the swelling reminded me of my saline days having to waddle around my place.

I cannot tell you how happy I am for this mess to be over and to be back to normal. Because of all the extra skin I had developed over the years from the heavy weight and large volume of silicone, I think I will look pretty normal once healed. Basically a little bit of scrotal skin that appears just as it would appear if anyone who had never done sailing or silicone had their testes removed via orchiectomy.

2 years ago I came out as a transgender woman so a lot of this is going to be very particular to my personal feelings and goals. However, it wasn't until I moved to where I live now, and hearing the word "transgender" that I learned who I was. I had three years of silicone that I lived with up until that point. By year two I was very very very tired of the silicone.
You can't involve yourself with normal life like you want to, the novelty of everything wears off very quickly, and the reactions that people give you become extremely depressing.

I truly believe, absent from my own opinion about myself, that many people practice these fetishes as a form of compartmentalizing other issues.

I also truly believe that regardless of the above point being true or not, this can easily become an addiction. Addictions are never good no matter what they are. It does not let you live life to the fullest because everything is about the addiction. The things that truly matter to you can easily get pushed aside and sometimes blotted out completely when one cannot control their addictions.

It was all a addiction for me, including all the saline I did starting at age 17. I'm approaching 34. I was chasing euphoria and not dealing with my problems.

So if you find yourself going deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole, consider how things might end up. The day I decided to get silicone I remember saying to myself, "I just want to have fun until I die and I don't care what the repercussions of that may be." I then sought out a partner who would let me do whatever I want. I feel extremely guilty because they ended up getting 200 cc's of silicone as well while in Mexico, and I totally regret influencing that decision as we are now broken up and they wish it wasn't there.


I am extremely fortunate that the root of my problems ended up being my gender dysphoria. The reason I abused my genitals so much, and yes I do consider it self-harm at this point, is because I was so uncomfortable with who I was, I just wanted to be anything else, even if that was an animal, or some sort of lustful fetish freak.

But I know many people don't have opportunities like me to just chop things off their body. I am thankful to myself for not ever letting it get to the point where I was injecting silicone into the actual shaft of my penis. I have no interest in having a vagina, but removing the heavy weight and shame surrounding my balls is life-saving. If someone identifies as male, being forced into a situation where you might have to remove your genitals would be traumatizing at best.


I am fond of everyone I have met here over the years, but with over a decade to think about it, I think I officially would say stay the f*** away from anything that isn't plain old saline.


If I knew you back in the day, feel free to see where I'm at! I'm very proud of who I've become, and I believe with this most recent surgery I've had to fix all these things, the sky is now the limit:

www.instagram.com/shae.meful

[maXXXbulge]

Hey good for you to share your experience. I kinda know what you're going through. I had a scrotectomy In September due to a staph infection. I was fortunate enough because of the way I tied off during injection, I had some virgin sack left over. It's slowly looking better but it'll nvr be 100% the same but it could be so much worse. It's actually looking like a sack again. I'm actually going to start infusing again to stretch what I have.

I'm lucky I have a good woman who stood with me through the whole ordeal and now we're getting married. I knew she'd be with me for better of worse. She even changed my bandages. I'm lucky things turned out as well as they did and I didn't need a skin graft.

Just say no to silicone it's not just the injection that's dangerous. It's prone to getting serious infection.
There is another member of this forum we all know that is currently dealing with the same problem.

[Willswilly]

I've followed your other posts on different websites for a while, and I'm so thankful you've had the opportunity to find the root of some of the issues and have the time to sort them out healthily. It really is a hard place we live in where people feel the need to augment permanently to chase who they think they want to be; for some it might truly help, but beyond that the a lot of the stories are similar to what you have talked about.

I'm truly happy that you've been able to share your story! Whether people agree or listen is up to them, but to be brave enough to share it is important. I know over the past year seeing the amount of silicone related deaths has been shocking, especially from people I looked up to (silicone aside they were wonderful people who spread love and kindness). I'm on the fence myself, but giving up saline and dextrose is probably the biggest reason why I don't want to; being big for a while is nice but all the time, and like you said, the novelty wears off.

Thank you again for sharing everything! I hope life continues to go upwards for you, and that you can inspire more people to find happiness within themselves

[Willswilly]

If it's okay to ask, would you reccomend people can still safely do dextrose? Or just plain saline? I trust your expertise!

[Shadowcs]

Thank you for posting your ordeal, and sorry you had to go through all this.

I considered this a couple of years ago with the pushing of a former partner, but couldn't do it as I was already self conscious about the looks people give me in public, so I didn't.

When people started getting complications and deaths happened, I knew I made the right choice.

What worries me is there are people who have all this information and yet still actively decide to do it. One person I know waiting to fly out and get it done was actually a friend of the most "high profile" victim. Yet they still want to do it. Its beyond me how they can rationalise it. I only hope this will help them see the light

[msmSaline]

If it's okay to ask, would you reccomend people can still safely do dextrose? Or just plain saline? I trust your expertise!

In summary, I only did 10% a few times because on the last time it knocked me out and gave me my first seizure from too much sugar in my body. I was fine until I undid the tie off and then all that sugar flooded my body at once and I passed out. I will never know if it was just a coincidence that that was my first seizure due to being up for too many days or something, or if the sugar was the culprit.

to answer your question I do not think there is any reason to ever do more than 5%, at the end of doing however many liters of regular saline you want. The swelling of the dextrose is a awesome effect I will not lie, but I think just doing a little bit of the 5% at the end gives you the effect that you desire. You can seal off and then watch it do its own thing and that is very fun. But to do it from the very beginning of a session I see is kind of pointless because you're going to experience that swelling one way or another until you're at max capacity.


In short, I would not do more than 2 liter of 5%, per week.

[msmSaline]

What worries me is there are people who have all this information and yet still actively decide to do it. One person I know waiting to fly out and get it done was actually a friend of the most "high profile" victim. Yet they still want to do it. Its beyond me how they can rationalise it. I only hope this will help them see the light

That was me and that is why it is easily identifiable as an addiction or a coping mechanism.

[just4me]

What worries me is there are people who have all this information and yet still actively decide to do it. One person I know waiting to fly out and get it done was actually a friend of the most "high profile" victim. Yet they still want to do it. Its beyond me how they can rationalise it. I only hope this will help them see the light

That was me and that is why it is easily identifiable as an addiction or a coping mechanism.

If you are comfortable with sharing can you tell how it is a coping mechanism?

[lonepmpr]

Apparently you're not one to give advisory, especially medical, as you are struggling with your own identity

[Shadowcs]

Apparently you're not one to give advisory, especially medical, as you are struggling with your own identity

Uncalled for. Transphobia is not welcome or tolerated in modern day society. Take a long look at yourself.

[lonepmpr]

If you're not supportive of this group or what the guys here decide do to their bodies, leave the group.

[Shadowcs]

If you're not supportive of this group or what the guys here decide do to their bodies, leave the group.

Really confused who you're supporting here. It came across as if you were unsupportive of the OP

Edit: oh I think I figured it. Are you having a go at the OP because they're saying silicone is a bad idea? If so, that's wild. When there's evidence of deaths, unhappiness, mental illness, severe medical complications around this practice, then its time to listen. Sorry if that doesn't fit with your view or desires to modify your body, but people deserve to know the risks and complications. Just like when muscle/bodybuilder guys used to inject paraffin to make themselves bigger. If people just went "oh no be quiet and just support us", there would be a lot more guys without arms out there

[kinkykiwi]

Thanks for posting your experiences.

Information/experiences like this is why in part I went nuts at pupmaxx for closing modumental without any consideration for lost data. Whilst I thank him for what he did provide, I believe his decision to close without consulting the audience was extremely selfish and ultimately potentially harmful to the health and well-being of others.

I agree it's important to consider all angles to make sure your truly comfortable with whatever decision you ultimately choose to take. Some might call this informed consent.

[msmSaline]

Apparently you're not one to give advisory, especially medical, as you are struggling with your own identity

You sound bothered by my post. It's all personal so no offense.

For the last 16 years of doing this I have not once claimed anything. in fact everywhere I have ever posted with instructions on how to do this sort of stuff I have first and foremost said I am not a doctor and that you were taking a risk and I am just some random person on the Internet.

If you're finding yourself triggered by what I wrote there then consider why, and how you feel about what you were doing. If you enjoy what you're doing then do it. If you do not care about risks then do it if you want, no one is going to stop you. I am merely telling people my experience. I don't think everyone here is coping and I don't think everyone here is addicted to anything either. But it seemed to really hit you for whatever reason....

My identity struggle is over now that I am transitioning.

The reason why inflation and saline and silicone were so important to me is because it was a way to not feel male.
I can look down and say that doesn't look like a cock, that doesn't look like balls, it just looks like some sort of animal and that made me feel less dysphoric about being male. At the beginning of all of this before I was writing guides and on here 24/7 I was inflating my tits as well for the same exact reason except more obvious.

sorry I seem to have angered you but you do not need to point any of it back at me because I am just a lone individual, with an anecdotal experience, and I am merely sharing my story. clearly I cannot reach through everyone's screen and make them stop doing anything....

[msmSaline]

What worries me is there are people who have all this information and yet still actively decide to do it. One person I know waiting to fly out and get it done was actually a friend of the most "high profile" victim. Yet they still want to do it. Its beyond me how they can rationalise it. I only hope this will help them see the light

That was me and that is why it is easily identifiable as an addiction or a coping mechanism.

If you are comfortable with sharing can you tell how it is a coping mechanism?

Of course. My family has a history of addiction, depression, mental illness and even some cases of schizophrenia. Everybody before me was a drug addict so I have avoided them very well most of my life. I was also adopted by other families so I wasn't as influenced by my parents and learned early on what my vices were. however no one explained to me how sex can become an addiction just like cocaine or heroin or marijuana or poppers etc. there is different types of addiction and they are not always chemical.

The very first time I tried saline it was not to cope, it was out of curiosity because the person that did it I knew was male, but because of the fetish and the practice they seemed more animalistic to me. When I was younger I used to fantasize about being other animals because I was so uncomfortable being a boy. The term transgender never was spoken in front of me until I was 32 so this was the best my imagination could come up with.

so when I was doing this I felt like an animal and not a human and therefore not male in the way society has brought me up. There was a euphoria felt because of this.

The euphoria became tenfold when I introduced dextrose. No longer did I have to go through the process of making myself bigger. The chemical will do it for me, and by removing myself from that part of the equation it felt more natural. And because it felt more natural, the euphoria of not feeling male grew even more.

But slowly it took more and more for that euphoria to remain there. This is when I started doing what I coined as "marathons," spending days and days sometimes over a week injecting constantly. The idea in my head, which I admit wasn't very clear as I was staying up so many days in a row doing this sort of stuff, was to permanently alter the way i looked down there.

fast forward after college and I am now married to my first husband in Boston. My mental health really took a downspin because there was no work for me there for about a year and a half. It was also right before I had my first epileptic seizure so I was having really weird mental problems like hearing things. I only allowed that to happen once before I took myself to a psychiatrist out of self-worry and meds more or less put a car up on the issue for then.

But the whole experience ruined my relationship with my husband so my new focus became on me and my fetish. Instead of facing the hard facts of being out of a career, and needing to get a job I was less happy with, I just kept chasing euphoria to block out all the negative things happening in my life. I was smoking a s*** ton of weed all the time, and doing poppers and saline and dextrose as much as I could.

but the more I did it the less it satisfied and eventually my husband left me because I couldn't get my s*** together.

I had a brief moment in time where I was saved from this practice because I needed to live with friends for a year while I sorted out my life and divorce. because there are so many people around I didn't have a chance to really do anything then.

I never tried working on my depression and I kept going to my fetish to pass the time, to turn off the negative feelings about being alone, and to continue to ignore my gender issues.

The irony of this is that the more of the fetish I involved in myself with, The more my genitals stretched out and looked like a older man's. Which gave me more dysphoria, therefore more coping.

By the time I made it to Portland where I live now, I was looking for anyway I could to avoid dealing with my real life. I had gotten into fisting, I was doing hallucinogens quite frequently, all chasing those moments when I was doing dextrose while my first husband was away at work. nothing ever compared to that euphoria so I just kept looking for deeper ways to find it.

Eventually I had in my head that I just wanted to die. but I'm not the romantic type to slip my wrists or jump off a bridge or swim out into the ocean, if I was going to go out it was going to be fun and I wasn't going to give a s*** and I wasn't going to have any shame about it. In reality this whole thing was extremely shameful.

And that's when I went down to Tijuana for silicone.

Here's something to think about:

I went to Tijuana twice for the first 200cc. When I went to the second time to get filled, I told the doctor I wanted him to inject 200 rather than 100, bringing me to a total of 300 and this is what he said to me.

"I'm not going to do that. If you go more than this you will not stop. No one stops. people are addicted to this and you will be too if you continue so I am not going to do more than this."

I didn't want him to bail on the procedure completely so I said okay and thanks for looking out for me. But the first thing I did was look for my own sources when I got home. The source I use is the same source that everyone who died from this practice used as far as I know and I will not be calling them out. however I will say that that person acts just as any other bad drug dealer ever has acted in front of me, which is greedy with a lack of care for other people's well-being. In other words a sociopath looking to make money. That is the judgment I came to based on my experiences with drugs and the street.

And that doctor was right and I kept going.

Eventually I had 400cc. I started to worry that that wouldn't be enough so while considering doing more I started bringing in other coping mechanisms. The next one was eating. Gaining I guess is the fetish term. I had this idea in my head that I just wanted to be this thing that wasn't human at all and just a pile of filth and lost and euphoria and animalistic. I made it from 160 lb to 225.

It wasn't until my husband started having their own health deteriorate from the stress of my problems that I finally faced my issues directly. I knew that I could not stop myself at this point. I asked myself what is the one position I can put myself in where I will not be able to continue hurting myself in this way?

so I told my family what I was doing in an email including all the silicone and other fetishes. I also made the mistake of telling them I got raped in the middle of all these fetishes which really didn't help anything. however the way my family reacted to that specific piece of my life really made me wonder how much it affected my actions.

When I got raped, it was by a man that I had spent a few days dating and revealing a lot of my self image issues with. While he was raping me he made fun of all these aspects that caused my dysphoria. looking back in retrospect that surely affected The reasons of why I was doing what I was doing. It's called traumatic reenactment and you can reenact it on yourself or other innocent people. I was already traumatized by the rape but the fact that the man was yelling about all my body and balls and discussed of my genitals... that was the final thing that led me to do my first silicone injection. it just made me want to abuse them further.

I've jumped around in time here a little bit but in short,

The fetishes I practiced gave me enough euphoria to blind me from my issues instead of evaluating why I did not like being male and why I had such shame and disgust around my genitals. When that euphoria would start to disappear I would pick up the practice again and reset the process, thus continuing the circle of coping while slowly changing and damaging my body further and further.

."



I started rambling a little bit but I hope that kind of explains how this was a coping mechanism for me. And yes I will point out again at the end here, this all started as fun and fetish and nothing bad at all.